xxjustxanotherxx

So many things have changed and to this I'm not surprised.
A day here, a week there stretching into months of winter.
Pooled regret, but also not. Longing for what has always been sought.

Never ready to express freely, never free enough to be ready
Always mind over matter, always holding my ears to deafen the clatter.
A first, a chance, a wall, wonderful unknown.
A second breath, one barely recalled. One that incited the entire fall

Seen blots of bluish black, I understand I can not go back.
Through some sleepy state, walking through a distant city.
Your hair never moving, but your words making my giddy.

Silence from all fronts.

Walking out of a once home,
book bag ready.
every feeling right, beyond right,
unnoticeable normal.

The streets dark and quiet,
houses stark against the colorless night sky.
Through the dark still remains a warm orange hue,
The street lights, the dull glow from closed store fronts

Every turn, precise. Every person past is just that.
Just knowing someone, somewhere is waiting,
I can still feel the excitement building, budding joy.

The place was like any other, it could be anyplace, anywhere.
Brick front, large welcoming door like the mouth of sin its self.
Inside was dimly lit, accented in shiny maple and brass rails.
Faux leather seats and neon signs obscured by smoke.

My friends were waiting, wanting to catch up.
I chose my stool, my drink, my destine spot in time.
I listened to her speak, drinking in words I've heard before.
Watching her exaggerate her features, that rare smile.

The whole tone changed, someone has arrived.
I could only watch her face contort, her eyes well up...
She ran to the back where I'm sure she'd be crying.
It was time to go.

I reassembled myself, settled my tab and was off again.
Back onto the streets that were scented with green water.
Cars whizzed by, a blur of white light, shiny metal reflecting the night.
The shops of my youth, ones that probably no longer stand.

People that were cold and lifeless, yet not exactly dead.
Drones that I felt no kinship with, no flicker to entice me.
Until I reached my radius of memory...

There the air seemed warmer, welcoming.
The people smiled and were well more than inviting.
A never forgotten home, just one that no longer stands.


.

 I didn't know the people I was with. A guy around my age, his face seems familiar and I know I've had to of seen him before, a woman who was a little older, an aunt type, who I had no problems believing she wanted to protect us. We ran with all the energy in the world, through the streets to make it to a second floor apartment, the stairs that led to the door seemed unsafe, dirty and endless. We finally made it to the door and the first thought was how cheap and thin the door was, once in, I noticed the back of the door had some reinforcement made of thin strips of metal- hopefully steel. It was quiet, not the usual moaning and shuffling but even still, I couldn't hear a thing, like the quietness was deafening me.
 It was a small apartment, two maybe three rooms but then again who knows? Its not like I was roaming around. I did notice the there was two large windows, both seemed out of place for this small apartment, I couldn't resist the urge to peek out, when I did is when the panic really sat in. They were everywhere, dragging decaying bodies stuffed in tattered clothes. Fuck, they seen me, they know. I ran to the door and kept busy trying to grasp the rusted brass knob as "they" on the other side pulled with childlike strength. either there was no lock on the door or I was just too panicked to think straight and lock it, i'm pretty sure they would break through anyway if i didn't hold that knob. My hands sweating, my mind pushed into survival mode, i remember screaming nonsense 
"Go away you fucking bastards!", they didn't.
  I stood there not knowing what to expect, and certainly not expecting what happened. The animals, dogs and cats, they were infected too. There was a gap under the door, maybe an inch, maybe more and those fucking animals were sticking their paws under there, trying to snag me. Without thinking, purely out of reaction I stomped those furry little paws, trying to grind them beneath my feet. It stopped. There was a moment of calmness, a slight relieved feeling, then they were back. Now stronger, not just pulling at the knob but burst right through the door. The guy I was with was yelling c'mon, the "aunt" offered to hold them off and told me to just go.
   Who was I to argue? This, after all was a situation of life or death. She grabbed the door and held it tight while waving me off. I made it to the window with my living male friend, it opened pretty easy with a wooden scraping sound. I hopped out onto the tiny tar lined ledge and turned around intended on helping him out.My hands smacked glass as somehow the window was shut, not just shut but locked. The scene taking place inside made my heart jump into my throat. They made it in. The door that was so thin was now opened. they swarmed that apartment efficiently, as if there was some play book they were following. My friends were gone, not dead, not a pile of gore being devoured, just gone, I was alone.
 I sat down where I stood, on the tiny ledge, looking over a city I'm not sure even ever existed. I could hear the moaning now, the sound of nails on a chalk board as they scratched at the window, the infected animals purring even. Whats a girl to do? I struck up a cigarette, leaned back and watched the night sky. The city sky, which is usually blank except the moon was now filled with twinkling lights, even shooting stars and whirling far away galaxies. "I guess this is it" was the last thought that registered before someone pulled the plug and I woke up in my own bed, heart still racing, hands shaking. 

Why perfect is so unperfected?
Why can some things, some certain things-
some things just left unsaid-
Veiled- though thinly,
such as a single drop,
denied allowance to form a river

Sweet by acquisition,
salty and warm by nature,.
Bubbling personalities,
each one florid in taste.

Drugs; inexact in its art
Murky and somber-
yet not complete...

The fire in your fingerless touch,
The sweet purring of an unconscious desire
Melting waves of seductive stares

Held down with utmost fear
exciting, tingling, dangerous unlearned lessons

Your eyes watering as I touch you
Devious innocence
Claimed with the best intention
You, my love, are mine.

Names not important,
only your semi scared stare,
only your rapid breathing.

Unleashed to form your full potential
Unmasked, because you can't hide
Lines of fire where I traced your frame
Sweet, hand holding lull

You exist only as I do
Only as a murky dream,
fading with time-though
never fully gone

Sometimes I feel so weak..
because you make me feel strong
Whims and whirls,
swaying against your body
Your hands and where they go
Your eyes with cautious doubt
The way you breathe
biting your lips

Bliss inducing, sought life blood
Nervous laughter masking evil intention
Filling that gaping part missing from
a time I've never known.

You've held the reigns
Afforded some false control
You've been rewarded
by turning over your soul

Body numbing thought
What lies just beneath
penetrating surface,
and this god damned heat

Penance I assure you will be paid
Lose definition, give yourself away.
Give a sign of hope
Not a big request
in the end, we'll see who's left.

Something came along,
it made me feel weird
it made me feel semi-secure

something came along
it was big and round
topped with shaggy curls

Gruff,  delectably rough
hopelessly confident
something...

I was alone in this
but no matter who shared my view
I was addicted to wanting you



 

Ok well, i dream about zombies...alot..ALOT but last night it was different, the whole feeling was just so sad and hopeless. They were everywhere, at every door and every window, tall ones, small ones, each as blood thirsty as the next. Among them family and friends, begging to just have a taste of what gives them "life".  I dint remember who i was with but they were as frantic as I. All day i've been jumpy and scared. Sheesh, you're never too old for nightmares

I ran free, clear down the street.
Embraced by the autumn chill.
though not dressed for the weather,
I was wrapped in the night.

Sets of eyes watching every move
Unattached, no visible sign.
When sadness set over me,
I remembered my home.

My heart so big and full,
it weighted me down.
Thoughts whirring by,
I wasn't able to grasp even one.

More reflex then reaction.
Always was more friction then traction.

I waited alongside my shadow,
waited there solemnly for a better life.
I found chance after chance, but little hope

If I could reach one star and touch it for myself
Traveling to nowhere, but going so fast.
I just want to feel it,
what I know is possible.

God, it hurts, reverberates through each bone
Clouded and muddled,
beat and broken.
Out of tragedy is born something new

Masked empathy as apathy,
I do care.
Words that haven't been said
ringing through forgotten hallways
places I hold dear
tbc

My brains been bleeding for some time now
my stomach twisted in knots
Christ, this feeling,
its been years.

I accept myself, I really do
but I also know myself
so I know it's pathetic

sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there,
someone like me, lost and looking
I took on a life for a little normalcy
it's all killing me, literally.

Blacken by fire

What wasn't meant to be known
Just another, one more point
Small fact on a larger scale
sweetened but not sugar coated
damned, you were in denial
Indecent, unforgivably optimistic

A world of choices
too many made wrong
Uncaring, opportunistic
Still, far from gone

Lapping up with dismal concern....

Waiting in this room,
all but dark because you blocked the view
Smiled and laughed,
because neither wanted to go back.
I looked up and you, you looked away
seems like minutes that either of us had nothing to say

Back to not just being,
I feel it again, my heart bleeding
Pouring out and coming alive
It's inside, awake and ready to thrive.
Flashes strong but fewer between
once again pure, once again pristine.

The power to manipulate
the strength to really create
unseen worlds and an old time view
somewhere in the back, unforgotten is you.
Held so close, still driven away
I promise when everything is right you'll see a new day

I don't want to move today, I'm sore all over and my head is friggen bangin' but some good thing are going down. I have my own business up and running, big plans for the future and some cash to line my pockets, wish me luck. So far it's only a couple hundred in profit but its all legit and I have something to be proud of,  something I've done on my own.
 I don't know what I did this weekend but my shoulders are killing me, hell, at least I didn't get my ass busted like some people( great picture but the one on my phone is better)...but I guess I'm not as rugged. This week I'm just going to take it easy and focus on what truly makes me happy and the people that I love, some very deeply. I hate to be so positive, its always a let down but hey, gotta go with the flow. My bestie lad friend, I hope this issue resolves itself, if you need my help you know I'm here (cause I rarely leave the damn house) You need a little serenity, I know its hard. My Donna, I'm coming for you when I feel better, we'll go out like the old times and dance like fools, promise.
 Oh and I'm a step closer to driving, I can drive now! No, no license but i can drive and do so every sunday, I drive miles away to where its nice out, I'm a bit of a ball of nerves but I can do it! Soon, I'm coming for you, no matter where you go, you'll always be in my heart and in my thoughts, god you're wonderful, smile.

When i opened my eyes and seen him standing there, i could think no other thoughts, feel no other feeling as strong as wanting to feel his lips, taste his taste or hear his breath whispering in my ear. In place I was melting, my heart forced down, leaking, breaking. I traced his face with my eyes, taking notes on the upturned corners of his mouth. Averting my gaze as I approached his eyes, as not to lock in a stare that would give such a tell. A weak hello though my body burned with life, begging him to grab me, aching for some lost selfish pleasure.

That out of place feeling..
swimming through surreal worlds-
right here at home.
There is no rejection
just lingering embraces
Old friends,
telling older stories
New people,
you've seen them before-
just not in this light.

A life forgotten,
just rearranged
ending up in this place,
a place i created
one last goodbye-
before my eyes flutter open
one last breath-
before it's all gone

Sorry if its sloppy, just venting.
Few memories of you,
those that i do have just aren't that great.
Promises that I knew never would come to fruition
At 12 you greeted me with a carton of cigarettes,
your welcome home and peace offering.
The first time i came home drunk, you just sent me to bed.
The multiple times you made me cook oodles of noodles on
the radiator, though we had a microwave...and stove.
The time you moved me in with a pre-built family and gave me
my first room all to myself, only to confine me to it.
Scattered memories of who you were before I really knew.
Old faded letters, drawings of your 8x10 home, I fucking waited
for you, not knowing the immense heap of psychotic trash i was born
from.
 Remember when i ran away? Chasing me down city streets. Did you
care that I was a young girl in a big city alone? No, just that I wasn't
under your thumb, because, my blood, I am just like you.
Do you recall those early days before you went away? Those bright
days, watching creepshow together, taking long walks in the park?
Are these happy memories of any use to you? Mine were canceled out,
replaced with late night heroin pick-ups, the blistering heat radiating off
your large red face, and those teeth grinding together. Replaced with your
angry fits, now i know where i get it.
 I let you back in again, like a fool. I let you have your moment in the sun
and play the part, holding my hand walking me down the isle. I'll keep the
trend of this being vague and just say that I want nothing to do with you again.
Like before, you'll come to me crying, begging because I'm the only one who
hasn't turned my back on you.....but i won't be there. I've never ever asked
either of my parents for a single dime, never. Never for anything, not even
for what i should of been provided. What you ask of me is mountains of
forgiveness, which i gave you. How know you can turn your back on me is
just beyond belief. I wish you rotted in that cell, its the only place you truly
belong. Treat that boy, my tiny little brother good you fucking bastard,
give him everything you still deny me. You will need me before i need you.
Thanks...dad.